When Did Hello Kitty Lose Her Virginity, And Why Didn’t I Get The Memo?

When I was a little girl, my world of Hello Kitty consisted of stickers, scented erasers, pencil sharpeners, and citrus-flavored gum. But, like me, Hello Kitty is all grown up now and trying to make her way in this world. So, to get to know "Grown Up" Hello Kitty better, I spent the day with her to see what she's been up to. (And, to my surprise, she and Paris Hilton actually have a lot in common.)

Before getting dressed, Hello Kitty checked her body fat. (I thought she looked fine, but she says her plush is starting to show signs of dimpling.)

Then she slipped into a strawberry printed mini dress and push up bra. (I asked her if she thought jeans and a t-shirt might be more appropriate, but she said it was the only way to get the paparazzi to follow her.)

Before we left the house, she stepped outside to have her morning smoke. (She's cutting back these days, preferring the "yummy" flavor of Swisher Sweets over her standard menthols.)

We stopped by the drugstore to pick up a few items--toilet paper, maxi pads, and some douche. (Apparently, Kitty has a problem with that "not so fresh feeling.")

Next, we stopped by the salon for manicures and pedicures. (Kitty talked on her cell phone most of the time--so much for getting the inside scoop.)

Then it was off to the dentist to have a cracked filling replaced. (Kitty decided to have her fangs whitened while we were there, which took another two hours. I began to realize that this day was going nowhere.)

When we got home, Hello Kitty changed into something "even sexier" and popped open a bottle of wine. (Her boyfriend, Badtz Maru, was on his way over.)

When Badtz arrived, they busted out the video camera and asked me if I wanted to make some "home movies" (at which time I packed up my belongings and got the hell out of there).