Thank You, Jared Leto, For Ruining My Fantasy

In his latest attempt to be taken seriously, [previously] hunky Jared Leto is now [currently] chunky Jared Leto. And, no, this isn't Hollywood makeup. He actually gained a sh*t load of weight to play the role of John Lennon's killer in his new movie Chapter 27. (Obviously, Tyra Bank's fat suit attempt was proof enough that "dressing up fat" isn't believable just yet. (Why else would one of the few men I fantasize about spending weekends stomping grapes with ruin his god-esque physique? Even if it was only temporary.)

It's not that I have anything against gaining weight. (After all, I've been stuffing my face with chocolate eggs for weeks.) But if I had my druthers, Jared would have stayed meat-market fresh and broke. (Where have all the emo sex pot jobs for the acting-challenged gone?) The real tragedy in all of this is that now, every time I close my eyes and think of Jared Leto, I will see the love child of Bill Gates and Jared from Subway instead. (Before the turkey subs, of course.) Mmmmmm, turkey.